First Love

First love... I can't remember when I first learn the meaning of those words but what is really its meaning? The first girl whom you loved or the things that we really loved to do?

Manga art is my real first love but it seem fate don't want me to be with my first love...

When was the last time I've grabbed a pencil and drew?

Here I am working under my uncle's business... Alone foolishly trying to become an adult... Working to help my family financially...

It's so hard not able to do the things you really love... It's like the feeling of being choked... Dying silently...

There are a lot of things I want to end but I can't... Because they need me... It's always me...

Why I am thinking about this again?... Sometimes I want to become selfish... but I guess I've already done that... Leaving our guild at Valhalla for a while... I know I shouldn't have done that because I'm the guild master but I'm also a human.. Getting burned out... I have the right to file a leave...

Just like kuya marvin said to me "we just have to be responsible" yeah... But how about for ourselves? when we'll be responsible for ourselves?

Sometimes there are days I want to blame my parents why my life turned out like this...

I've been always fighting against jealousy from my friends since I've stopped studying... Seeing them reaching where they want to go, living the "normal life" of a student.

I'm tired of hearing "you're still young, you can still do a lot of things" I'm already 21yrs old Dammit! when will I have a time for my personal goals? when I'am at 30yrs old? goodness!

It's been two months since me and my sensei argued about my decision for not going to japan... choosing my other responsibility...

Sensei... where are you?...

I just wan't to draw again...

Please...